Dear Le Snuggle: Not Tonight Dear – A Woman’s Perspective On Talking About Sex During These Turbulent Times


Welcome to our "Snuggle Sunday" Q & A series, where our blog authors respond to frequently asked questions and offer advice.
Editor’s Note:  To date, we have not centered any articles around comments or letters received from our customers/subscribers.  We receive a lot of feedback on Sundays compared to the rest of the week and we felt compelled to respond to this particular letter sent to us via snail mail. 
We are keeping his name and address anonymous for privacy concerns.

To refresh your memories, here is a link to our article entitled: “Not Tonight Dear – A Man’s Perspective On Talking About Sex”, which was originally published on August 30, 2018. 

With the world topsy turvy, accompanied by the added stress of navigating all of the changes, sex may be the last thing on your mind.

Are you certain that your partner is on the same page with you regarding your sexual health and wellness?

Sexual dissatisfaction will erode even a great relationship. Intimacy in marriage is such an integral part of a happy life. 

Have you had an honest and in-depth conversation about your current family status and more importantly, how you BOTH feel about your relationship as a whole, as well as your sex life? 

If you feel your partner is not receiving everything from you that they need, you have to acknowledge that there is a problem. Once that big step is accomplished, the two of you have to agree to work together to compromise and find a way to develop a plan that provides a solution that mutually benefits both parties.

Dear Le Snuggle, 

“It is hard to remember with everything going on to ask and make sure that I am not ignoring something vitally important to my spouse, but less so to me right now. I just cannot find the energy. I know I should be doing more, but rather than address the elephant in the room, as well as our lack of privacy, I just keep avoiding. I can feel my spouse getting angry and pulling away from me. What to do? I feel like the bad guy here, but I also feel he does not want to hear what I have to say. Help.” 

First and foremost, let me assure you that you are not alone in feeling this way right now.

Many of us are experiencing anxiety and increased stress during this pandemic and uncertain times. The list of changes and how we have had to adapt to this situation is different for everyone, but no one has been untouched by this event. 

If your relationship/communication levels were already strained, chances are good your sex life was not too great to begin with either!

Have you truly thought about why you and your spouse’s communication breaks down? Remember, it takes two. People express anxiety in many different ways. Picking fights, pulling away, reward and punishment, and other extremes. 

One constant should remain even with differing opinions, and that is mutual respect.

A real inner discussion to pinpoint existing issues and the severity of those issues make it easier to have a heart to heart conversation. Not a blame game! Try to watch tone, and avoid defensiveness.  When we get defensive, we stop listening. Once you have examined your issues, start to look for possible solutions to the problems. Try not to lose sight of the fact that you have spent time developing a plan for this conversation. Your partner is new to this, and may require some time to digest whatever problems/solutions you are discussing.

If after your heart to heart and things do not appreciably change, it may be time to seek professional assistance to work through some of the angst that builds up. Hopefully, you will go back to the place that you used to be in your relationship. The sex will improve as the communication and relationship improves.

All relationships are a work in progress. Maintenance and nurturing will aid your relationship in flourishing. Honesty is supremely important. Do not omit anything when confronting your issues. Failure to be totally honest will only compromise your relationship further.

The magic can be restored if you open yourself to the possibility. Here are links to a few of our previously published articles pertaining to communication and talking about sex:

Thank you for reaching out. Do not hesitate to let us know if you need to discuss things further or more privately.  

Stay safe. Be hopeful, helpful, and most of all, be proactive! Good luck to you. 

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

 

George Bernard Shaw