Welcome to our "Snuggle Sunday" Q & A series, where our blog authors respond to frequently asked questions and offer advice.
Editor’s Note: To date, we have not centered any articles around comments or letters received from our customers/subscribers. We receive a lot of feedback on Sundays compared to the rest of the week and we felt compelled to respond to this particular letter sent to us via snail mail.
We are keeping his name and address anonymous for privacy concerns.
Dear Le Snuggle,
"Thank you for taking the time to talk to me about my EPIC FAIL. Without getting into the details that still make me feel like the biggest heel in the world, would you kindly address any rules or guidelines to use when introducing a sex toy/marital aid into a relationship and what the differences between the two are??????
My wife and I both read your blog and discuss it often. I guess I should have paid closer attention. Too bad you cannot apologize for me, because I do not know if my wife will ever be willing to try something different ever again! Help!"
After having our lengthy conversation, we quickly came to the realization that we needed to separate this article into two perspectives.
Male and female perspectives, as well as comments and views from various age groups. We are fortunate enough to work with several different generations. We consider ourselves lucky to be able to communicate with a variety of differing viewpoints and opinions. We do have more in-depth discussions than most on the subject of sex, so our team communicates extremely well.
Before addressing your question, I want our subscribers to know that the very FIRST question I asked you was what type of communication level exists between the two of you?
If as a couple you have never discussed your personal likes, dislikes, preferred positions, amount of foreplay or, how your partner feels about changing things up, then you should work on those things prior to bringing a sex toy or a marital aid into the relationship.
The second question I asked and it put my subscriber’s defenses through the roof is that I wanted to know what prompted the need to suddenly change his sexual relationship?
His response was that he wanted to spice things up in the bedroom, as things had started to get monotonous. He also had no complaints about the mechanics of sex together. And, he assumed his wife was automatically in agreement because they read sexual articles together all the time.
I spent a lot of time questioning him for intimate details that made him uncomfortable, but also made him realize that his actions were a bit premature. By introducing a sex toy PRIOR to laying the proper foundation, he received a negative response that not only upset him but his spouse as well. Certainly, not the result he was hoping for.
As for rules, employing common sense and extreme respect for your partner would be my guideline. You alone know the best way to reach your partner and communicate your wants and needs. There are a lot of resources available to assist people in developing their communication skills.
Not all surprises are well received. Proper communication and a mutual desire to try something different have to be in place prior to bringing a toy into the bedroom.
Our very first blog article was written by Sheila Wray Gregoire, entitled “What’s the Difference Between a Marital Aid and a Sex Toy?”
We classify Le Snuggle as a marital aid. Le Snuggle was created to help solve a prevalent issue that is being corrected with invasive surgery. Our marital aid provides an alternative that enhances the overall sexual experience.
Marital aids are also used for those with disabilities and other sexual issues. This enables those people to have intimacy and to achieve sexual satisfaction in their relationships.
If you are wanting to implement the use of sex toys into your relationship, make sure you are doing it for the right reason, and not in an attempt to fix a broken relationship.
If you have a healthy relationship and in the effort to never stop working and improving sex and life with your partner, your experimentation is liable to be beneficial and pleasurable for the both of you!
Remember, no sex toy surprises in the throes of passion that were not previously planned! That is an easy recipe for destroying the mood.
Another very interesting fact that I learned, was that because he and his wife are “over a certain age”, his wife grew up believing that sex was dirty and just a requirement of marriage. Certainly, not something to be enjoyed! Yet again, that stigma associated with sex!
However; before I give you the opinions of our diversified team, I want to reiterate a couple of things I discussed with our subscriber. (He is so much more now but, in the interest of protecting his privacy I have referred to him as “subscriber”).
First and foremost, you have to understand that if you decide to employ sex toys into the relationship, you cannot then become jealous because your partner is deriving extra pleasure with the use of sex toys. Check your ego at the door.
Sex toys are not a replacement for you, and are not intended to be. Sex toys are simply another tool to use, with personal likes and dislikes determining how successful those tools are.
If you are purchasing a toy, do your homework. Check your ingredients and use only body safe ingredients. Be very careful and remember, anything that is insertable has to be made of the highest quality of silicone and ingredients. Stay away from ingredients containing BPA’s or phthalates. If you are prone to infections and hypersensitive to ingredients, you need to pay extra attention to the ingredients in the product you are looking to purchase. Choose a reputable source, and be careful with the ingredients included in your chosen lubricant as well.
Also, once you decide to use sex toys, pay particular attention to details and the response of your partner. Make sure sizes are proportionate to the size of your partner, and that proper lubrication is used. You have to continually take the temperature of the room with your partner when experimenting to ensure you are maintaining the mutual respect you have for each other.
Be careful when you move from foreplay to your toy. Sometimes, getting overly excited can stop the communication that is vitally important during the use of sex toys in the bedroom. This is especially true for a novice.
According to a 2016 study conducted by David Frederick, a PhD at Chapman University, Sex toys don’t make better partners…..In fact, couples who reported sexual satisfaction in their relationship were more like to have experimented with some variety of sexual activities, including using sex toys together.
Here is what our team had to add:
“As a married man of 21 years, we have an active sex life. I was THRILLED when my wife not only suggested using an enhancer in the bedroom for the two of us, but she agreed to use a toy in front of me. Just thinking about it makes me excited all over again! What a woman!”
“I am much older (76 in fact), and still enjoy sex. While the frequency has altered, and we require some pharmacological assistance, my wife and I openly discuss ways to keep the fire burning with things we never took the time for before.”
“My wife is the one that wants to start using toys in our relationship. I have mixed feelings about that. Am I not enough? We have only been married a couple of years, so I definitely want sex as often as possible. I am not adverse to making it more exciting, but we have never discussed changing the way we do things now.”
“I have had 4 kids and work for Le Snuggle, so I am one of the original testers of the product. We needed this marital aid. My partner and I have always used either toys or rings to add some zing to our lovemaking due to my personal, physical issues.”
“I bought my husband his first toy to use on me. I made sure it was suited to me personally, and was not overly complicated. I did not want anything to interfere with the intimacy between us.”
“My husband and I tease each other when we actually get to plan a romantic evening (we have very young kids and have to plan). It helps build the momentum and excitement of being together sexually.”
A lot of our articles end with stressing how important a high level of communication is to nurturing not only your sex life, but your entire relationship.
If you work together as a team, continuing to do the things that already work and, changing the ones that do not, your relationship will thrive at a much higher level. Keep the conversation going.