Welcome to our "Snuggle Sunday" Q & A series, where our blog authors respond to frequently asked questions and offer advice.
Editor’s Note: To date, we have not centered any articles around comments or letters received from our customers/subscribers. We receive a lot of feedback on Sundays compared to the rest of the week and we felt compelled to respond to this particular letter sent to us via snail mail.
We are keeping his name and address anonymous for privacy concerns.
Dear Le Snuggle:
Since the beginning of the pandemic, my husband and I have not had sex. Frankly, we were both scared. Now, we have both been vaccinated, and it has been over fourteen days. We should be 95% safe but guess what? I am still scared. My husband has been counting the minutes to have sex, and I am less than enthusiastic for several reasons he does not understand.
- I am still worried about that 5% chance I could still get the virus and know that respiratory droplets are virtually impossible while having sex.
- Even before the pandemic, he did not wait to make sure I was completely ready. I require a certain amount of foreplay to become excited and ready.
- I am postmenopausal and we have had four children. My body is not in the shape I would like it to be. I certainly have some image issues, and certainly do not feel sexy.
Your articles give me perspective, and give my husband ideas. I am motivated to want to try different things. I just need a little push to get over this hump and get back on track.
Also, a little reassurance that sex is safe would be helpful too!
Thank you for reaching out to us. I am so happy to hear that you and your husband enjoy our articles. It sounds like you are putting an extraordinary amount of pressure on yourself. We have previously addressed performance anxiety albeit from a different perspective. You can view that article here for more information: Making Your Partner a High Priority
Take a deep breath and let’s formulate a plan for a dreamy date that will hopefully end with you and your husband satiated and already planning for your next encounter!
Whether your husband enjoys you in lingerie or all dressed up or, in nothing at all, now is the time to pull out all of the stops and start the evening off in the right way. After a year of wearing sweatpants and not having anywhere to be, what a great opportunity to reset and plan the perfect evening. Not only will it set the mood for your husband, you will feel so much better about yourself before your special evening knowing you went out of your way to pamper yourself and to look your very best.
As far as not being fully aroused before the actual encounter, remember all of our articles about communication? If you do not TELL your husband how you are feeling, he cannot understand the need to take things a little slower. A suggestion would be to hold off on oral sex in the beginning of your evening. Spend the time being intimate with each other by touching each other, massaging each other and teasing each other. Because you have had a sex drought for a whole year, it is completely understandable that you are going to feel slightly uncomfortable. Turn that feeling into anticipation and excitement with your perfectly planned evening.
If you are still uncomfortable about kissing due to fear, you and your husband could both wear masks during your sexual encounter. Or, if you want to be less physically close, consider a sexual game. An encounter around a door or wall could make this exciting and possibly help you overcome your fear.
We have had several previous articles discussing foreplay, as well as setting up the perfect atmosphere for a pleasurable evening. See those articles here:
- Desired Duration of Foreplay and Intercourse: A Study in the Journal of Sex Research
- 4 Foreplay Essentials
- Non-Surgical Solutions for Loose Vaginas
- Snuggle Sunday: Dear Le Snuggle
- Dear Le Snuggle: My Epic Fail
Since you alluded to the fact that you are now open to trying new things, have you considered watching erotica with your husband to ramp up your libido and excitement level?
According to Healthline, in their article entitled: “An Adult’s Guide to Exploring Erotic Content – With your Partner (s):
“Talking about whether you want to watch it together, discussing what types you want to view, making comments during the screening and chatting it up afterwards...Viewing adult videos with your boo requires a whole lot of chitchat.”
This forces you to communicate with each other, besides making you more ready to explore and feel more ready for sex!
You also mentioned how many children you have, as well as having been reading our blog for some time. Have you been considering introducing Le Snuggle to your sexual repertoire?
If so, I think it would be a great addition. However; I would urge you to have the foreplay discussion sooner rather than later as Le Snuggle definitely requires adequate foreplay and definite lubrication.
As a postmenopausal woman, you may be experiencing extra vaginal dryness. Finding the proper lubrication and utilizing it early enough in your sexual encounter is crucial to mutual satisfaction. Just keep in mind that you truly need to communicate all of these things to your husband BEFORE your special night. It is never time to explain these things after a less than stellar sexual encounter. It creates unnecessary resentment. NOT what either of you need after such a long hiatus not of your own making. This pandemic has wreaked havoc in our lives. This is a portion of your life that you can control and put back on track. Just remember that you can only try your best and move forward from there with the hope that every time you have sex will be better than the time before. Good luck to you and know that I hope that your plans turn out better than you hoped for!
As you know, having a healthy sex life improves your overall health. Stay tuned to our next Le Snuggle Sunday. We are going to discuss this further, as well as provide a checklist to assess your current sex life at all ages.
"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop."